It was 3:47AM as I woke up to a cold sweat dripping from my face. I was awakened by a horrific nightmare. All I could remember was that I was running. I wasn’t exactly sure from who or what but I was running. I shook it off and tried going back to sleep. Though my efforts rendered useless for I had woken up only an hour later. Frustrated, I just stared at the wall, the ceiling, back to the wall, then back to the ceiling.
Before I knew it, it was already 6AM. I decided that it would be best if I just got out of bed and try to do something productive. Everyone was still asleep as I made my way to the kitchen. It was rather cold this morning. There wasn’t much to eat so I just drank some green tea to warm myself up. Seeing that it was still early, I thought it would be a good idea to go for a morning walk. Before leaving, I walked back to my room and sifted through my drawers for my favorite pack of Newports and a lighter.
I didn’t know where I wanted to go but somehow, my legs instinctively knew to take me to the park. Upon my arrival, I sat down at one of the benches by myself and watched people make their rounds around the park. Old people, middle-aged people, and young people of all shapes and sizes started their mornings here. Maybe I should do this more often. I flicked open my pack of Newports and lit one up. I took a huge inhale of the cancerous stick that I almost forgot to exhale. As I breathed out, I watched as the smoke dissipated into the air. People stared at me as I smoked, they probably thought I was too young. They probably thought I was throwing away my life but I didn’t care.
As the cigarette was dwindling down to its last few puffs, I thought that was how life was. We’re all given a certain amount of time to live and we all eventually meet our demise. Yeah, that’s exactly how life is. I got up and decided to walk around the park just to take in a bit of nature. The wind was blowing, leaves were rustling, and the tree branches were swaying back and forth. Little kids were running up from behind me and I watched as they basked in their youth and innocence. Their smiles held so much promise and I felt my lips curl into a smile as well. I saw old couples hold hands which made me smile even bigger. Witnessing true love still blossoming even at an old age. I was wondering why I hadn’t come to the park before. Foolish me.
I walked home from a very relaxing trip to the park and sat myself down in my backyard. I popped another cigarette in my mouth and just starting thinking. My mind remained fixed on my nightmare. Who was I running from? Or what? It drove me to the point where my head started pounding from thinking too hard. Before I knew it, I was on my last cigarette. I sat there, staring into the nothingness of my backyard. Who could I possibly be running from? Who…? And that’s when it hit me.
As I laid in darkness, I began immersing myself in the silence. Its always been like this, every single damn night. I was drowning in my own emotions with no sign of ever resurfacing. I turned to face the clock.
The constant battles inside my head are what keep me up. I am tormented by the voices inside my head, always telling me that I could’ve done this and that to prevent what has already happened. I am reminded every night of what used to be. I’m not quite sure how things ended of this way but all I know is that the voices are telling me it’s my fault. I guess they’re right.
Fragmented memories are all I have now. I stared at the ceiling, replaying scenarios of what should’ve happened. Tears began forming and I don’t have the slightest idea why things are the way they are.
What I’ve noticed about the people I’ve come to meet is their inconsistency. I can’t have a decent conversation with any of them. Why? Because all of them choose to end our conversations abruptly with silence. I don’t get it, I see them talking to other people around the same time we’re talking and when our conversation ends, the other conversation continues. Am I missing something here?
Is it me that’s going about it the wrong way? I honestly don’t see what I’m doing wrong. I don’t give half-assed replies nor do I say hard things that are hard to reply to. If I do catch something, I correct it. But nothing I do ever seems to work. This shit tears me apart because it makes me doubt my ability of ever making new friends. This isn’t something new that’s been occurring either, its always been like this and I’m tired of it. Ugh.. Humans are so fucking confusing and complicated.
I am going to turn into a hermit now. Antisocial4lyfe.
I woke up to the gentle pitter patter of the rain falling outside. Shivers traveled down my spine while goosebumps began to form as I got up. I stared at the wall and asked myself, “Why am I awake?” The toughest part of every morning was waking up. Waking up to the same repetitive cycle I’ve grown to know inside and out. I groaned and went back to bed.
As soon as I closed my eyes, flashbacks came flooding back. Flashbacks of the time where you and I were at our strongest. The endless conversations, the constant laughing, the smiles that made my cheeks hurt, everything. I remember every single detail vividly like it was only yesterday. I woke up again, but this time with unclear eyes. Thoughts of you kept disappearing and reappearing as the clock ticked. I was puzzled as to why things ended the way they did. And why I am unable to swallow the fact that you’re no longer here.
I proceeded to lay down again, hoping that burying myself within the safe haven of the warmth of my pillows and blankets will calm my dysfunctional self. I felt foolish. How could I let things of the past attack me with such relentlessness? I tossed and turned. I thought that maybe if I kept on pushing you out of my mind, I would feel better. Though I was gravely mistaken, it made everything worse. I got fed up and walked to the bathroom. I turned on the faucet and cusp my hands together to splash some sense into myself. I looked into the mirror and was disgusted with what was reflecting back so I left.
I came to find that everyone had left me behind. I shrugged it off and thought it was better that way anyways. I stepped outside into the backyard and sat down. It was still raining. I began contemplating where my life was heading. Though to no surprise, you appeared again. A strong wind blew which caused me to huddle myself into a ball. It was freezing but I didn’t want to go back inside.
“Hey, are you cold? Do you want to wear my jacket?” I swear I thought I heard you and looked up to meet with disappointment. No one was in front of me nor was anyone beside me. I was alone. Silly me, I should’ve known. I guess it was about time to head back inside before I fall for anymore delusions created by my distorted state of mind. I went back to my room and sat myself at the edge of the bed. I lowered my head into my hands and began to weep.
Okay, so here’s my two cents on sports. Some people put way too much concern in making a certain level in a sport. Yeah, I get that being on a Varsity team means a lot but honestly, will it matter after you’re done with high school (unless you’re getting a sports scholarship)? It’s cool to say that you’re on Varsity but it just bothers me that people tear themselves apart because they didn’t make a team. People fail to realize that they gave as much effort as they could and if things don’t work out in their favor, it’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. It’s normal to feel disappointed but don’t let that small setback keep you from doing what you love.
I’ve been on JV swim for two years now and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to make Varsity this Spring (b/c I suck lol) but that doesn’t bother me the slightest bit. People always question why I don’t care and it’s simple. Why should I let a title determine how good of an athlete I am? Being on the team is already enough for me. I’m grateful to be granted the opportunity to do what I enjoy doing amongst others who share the same passion. I’m not in a sport for the title, I’m in it because I love it and that’s all that matters.
If you don’t ask me why I do the things I do, then you have no right to criticize me and my choices. You’re not in the same position as me so before you run your mouth, I’ll let you borrow my shoes and see how I feel.
Passing each other in the hall without acknowledging each other’s existence. Sitting in the same classroom without saying one word to each other. Rereading conversations only to realize there’s no more “us.” We’re back at where we started.
I hate how my family doesn’t approve of where I want to go for college. They all want me to be near home and it’s not like I don’t want to. But if it’s for my future, why can’t you guys be more supportive? I’m tired of being restricted from what I want to do.
I think what hurts the most is giving. Giving that person all of your time and energy only to receive nothing in return. No one wants to feel like they’re the only one that cares and the only one that’s giving an effort. So why do we still try? Why do we still try to put up with shit that we don’t deserve? I guess the answer is that we’re blinded by the way that person makes us feel. If someone makes you happy, you want them to continue to do so. Why would you want to throw that away, right? Right.
But in retrospect, putting up with someone else’s shit makes us realize a lot of things. If you’re willing to spend your time on someone else, that person should do the same by meeting you halfway. If that person isn’t going to appreciate the things you do for them, fuck them. Don’t even think about sticking around. If that person truly cared, you shouldn’t be the one regretting what could’ve and should’ve been.
No one can even begin to comprehend what other people go through every day. Whether its little things like bad grades to big things like physical abuse, people don’t know shit about you or how you’re feeling until they step into your shoes.