Believing is different from knowing. You can believe that Santa is real or you know that Santa exists. You can believe that you got a good grade or you know that you got a good grade. You can believe that she’s a whore or you know that those rumors are just lies. You can believe many things but not know if they are certainly true. Beliefs are nothing but assumptions until you acquire knowledge.
It’s always late at night that I am overcome with a wave of emotions of the past, present, and future. It encloses around my entire being until I am enveloped in a sea of insecurities, doubt, and fear. I feel as though if I tried reaching beyond the sea, all I would be grabbing is nothing but thin air. But it’s that little voice in my head that tells me that there is a world beyond the sea that I have yet to see. Though when I finally decide to take action upon that small flicker of hope, something always gets in the way. The repercussion of misfortune clouds my mind and rearranges everything that I want to believe in. I want to believe in love even though it comes with heartbreak. I want to believe in peace even though it entails losing others to achieve it. I want to believe in Santa even though people say he’s just a childhood myth. I want to believe in a lot of things that may seem quite outlandish. I just want to be the most optimistic pessimist there is.
I can no longer think, speak, or eat. I can’t think because the neurons in my brain are about to give up. I can’t speak because my vocal chords can’t produce any more words. I can’t eat because my stomach just turns into knots, making it impossible to keep anything down. It’s tough but I should already know it was never going to be easy to begin with. Maybe this is all a phase that I’m going through. Maybe I’m just over-thinking everything and making this shit more complicated than it has to be. Maybe I just have a lot of issues. Maybe I’m just in need of someone to understand that I can’t be perfect, I can’t live up to even the slightest of expectations, and I can’t be someone that everyone wants me to be. Maybe I’m just another teenager who is harboring way too many feelings for my own good. And maybe, just maybe, I am fucking tired of the bullshit that occurs daily in this cold, corrupt world.
My words are filled with lies while my eyes are embedded with the truth. If you were to look into my eyes, her eyes, or his eyes, you can tell that there’s more going on than what I tell you verbally. Mentally, my mind is catastrophic. Thoughts flying one way while feelings are underlying in the darkest corners of my mind. If you were to ask me what’s wrong, I can’t give you an answer. I can’t give anyone an answer because I have questions too. Trying to decipher what I’m feeling is like trying to find Atlantis. Next to impossible.
I don’t want to sound like I know it all but I’m not a fool either. I’ve witnessed my family’s struggles, other peoples’, and I’ve endured my own. I’ve seen the cruelty of this world and the people who inhabit it. The bad seems to outweigh the good and it’s hard to believe that there is a speck of humanity left. Life is not unicorns and rainbows as they portray in movies. No, not even close. Life is filled with obstacles that entail war, famine, poverty, and hatred. I’m not saying that’s all that life has to offer but I feel as though I have not heard one happy story in quite some time. Or maybe it’s just me that’s ill-informed, I don’t know.